#11

Panic! I wake as if someone or something shocked the bejesus out of me! I'm disoriented. Where do I need to be? What time is it? What day is it? "Hold on!" "Pull yourself together" are the things I tell myself. It's 9:30 am. and I never really have to be anywhere at 9:30am. My breath slows and softens and I look at my phone (because I no longer have a clock or a watch) and note that it's Friday. 

Friday, is going to be busy and I better get up NOW. I want to tackle the day! I don't want to wallow in whatever this headspace is.

I need to be at the club for a cornucopia of reasons. So, I shower and pull together an outfit and get a move on. As I walk down the five flights, I'm met by my super. He is a slight man in his 60s who I've known for over 15 years and who I recently learned had suffered a mini stroke only a few days earlier. He's a good guy. Not only handy but has been an ear for my shenanigans over the years. He also knows this city's politics which has made for some colorful conversations between us. I'm glad to see that he's up and about. We chat briefly but I have to hustle to get to the club.

I'm expecting some guys to come and pick up items that we've stored for an inordinate amount of time and that we no longer use, need or want. Additionally, we have festival shows going on tonight so the phones are ringing consistently and the place is abuzz.

Once in the office, I brace myself. I check emails, have a few conversations with my boss and assimilate all the goings-on. Throughout the day, there are mini interruptions ranging from tourists, passers by that have inquiries, aspiring comics wanting to know how to get stage time and performers coming in for rehearsals of one kind or another.

At some point I will take 10 minutes to reconnect with my breathing, to assess my body, to just calm down. To meditate. Whatever is going on, I want to maintain focus. I want to get things done efficiently and I don't want NO FREAKIN' PROBLEMS!

Happy customers and smooth running shows are the aim.

However, there is another side of me that runs concurrently with the person that shows up for work 6 days a week.

This person wants to lose control of everything. She wants to abandon trying to manage every detail of her life---every person, every outcome.

She spontaneously flies to Paris, speaks french with ease and is a painter and poet (both skills come effortlessly for her) and she is impossibly thin and, of course, beloved and admired.

But I'm sitting in Agata & Valentina on East 79th Street as I write this eating a mix of pancakes, bacon & eggs from the breakfast buffet so I don't think She is going to materialize today.

As it turns out, it rains (no control over that) pretty heavily on Friday night but that doesn't stop a sold-out show from happening. We're busy and all the shows turn out solid. So, it's a successful night overall with "manageable" issues in between.

Having worked and 11 hour day,  I decide to take a walk. It's 63° and it's the perfect night for a stroll which I love to do to unwind after the shows.

I pass Columbus Circle and make my way to Lincoln Center where I'm drawn to 3 bronze "Spirit Totem" sculptures that were created by jazz musician Herb Alpert, called "Gratitude", "Grace" and "Freedom". Precisely the mood I'm in.

I place my hand on one of the sculptures which is still wet from the rain. I'm dwarfed by it. Life.

I am one small creature but I am grateful, alive and free in this moment.

Mercí. 

I even speak french.