#21 Reality Check

He looked at me and said, "cigarettes are so '80's". I replied, "yes, I agree with you but it's either this or homicide" and then he said, "choose homicide".

I didn't have enough coffee this morning. I'm dragging. I have to be at work early for a magic show. I glance at the paperwork on my desk and the clothes that need to be hung and mutter, "I'll deal with that tomorrow".

That's how it goes sometimes. Things are status quo. There's nothing particularly good or bad with my life at this moment. When I consider the troubles of the world in their entirety, I feel like I don't have it so bad. You guys know what I mean.

It's the Coney Island Mermaid Parade today and it's cool and overcast. Instagram pics are dotting my feed as I write. It would be fun to be there but it's hard to view any event these days past its potential photo opportunity and without considering it's cost or length of time to get there.

Do I sound morose? I'm not. I am so grounded in reality that it comes across as dull. I know that about myself and that in itself is dull.

I need more coffee.

#20 Good morning Dad.

I slept well...probably the best night's sleep I've had in weeks. For months there was a feeling of impending doom; that something was going to happen. I couldn't imagine what that something was or what it would look like or how it would manifest. I had the feeling that I wasn't making clear decisions (in fact, I knew it) and that things were going to unravel in ways that were out of my control. I also knew that I was trying to manipulate things in my mind and it was keeping me up nights. I was spending too much time on what other people were doing as opposed to what I needed to do. 

The beginning of February, I put to bed one of the things that was troubling me. I thought about it for some time but I knew that this particular situation (I had put myself in) made me feel drunk. For a sober person, this can be dangerous. After 19 yrs clean, I didn't like who I was becoming during this time. I also didn't like what I was observing about the situation. My self-confidence diminished and my faith was nearly non-existent.  I was a wretched person to be around or, at least, I felt wretched. I admit, I'm harder on myself than most and to the average, untrained eye I behaved like my usual self....irritable with a smattering of over-elation.

Still, having ended that situation (albeit, half-heartedly), I knew it was the right thing to do. Sometimes, we hold on to things because of our "pain bodies". Read Eckhart Tolle to get that reference. I only mention it  because I like saying "pain body". No one sees your "pain body" but sometimes your "pain body" and my "pain body" can get together and have a grand ole time! Be that as it may, I had a lot of support from friends while I was transitioning out of my shitty "pain body".

In the ensuing weeks, I got back to business but I didn't feel like the proverbial shoe had really dropped. Something nagged at me. I couldn't shake it.  

Two weeks ago, my father had a heart attack. He flat-lined on the way to the hospital. The paramedics saved him. There it was. There was the full manifestation of what I felt was coming. Somehow, I sensed it. A myriad of thoughts raced through my mind. Is he going to make it? What will I have to do? Do I have enough money to do it? Will I be able to get time off work? Who will cover for me? How long will I be away? What will I be called upon to do to help my father? Am I prepared for this? How do I handle this? Why isn't there someone in my life to help me handle this? Why do I feel like such a child? 

I felt helpless, alone and scared and I'm sure my father felt the same way. I mentioned my father's condition on Facebook just to release it...so I wasn't so alone in it...but my true fear didn't register there. FB isn't where I show my vulnerability...not really. It's mostly for sarcasm and selfies...which is another story entirely.

I slowed down. Some other side of me kicked in or maybe it is that side of me that I know exists and that I intuitively trust. The side that knows that she knows how to handle whatever comes her way. The side that knows that she has a lot of support and love. The side that has more courage than she gives herself credit for. 

I was able to drop everything and show up when it mattered most. I had help. I had support and I had love. I was present for my father in every sense of the word. I advocated for him. I made calls for him, I cared for him. I cooked for him and most of all I provided him with the love that only a daughter can provide for her father (I sense that some comedians will have a field day with that last statement). 

My father is on the road to recovery and I continue on my road too...and I'm trudging it less and less today. I'm not going to say it was easy. It wasn't. Did I curse God or whatever and whoever? Yes, I did...but I got through it. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

Thank you to those of you who were there for my father and I. You know who you are.

#18 Mini Morning

Lately, I don't know if there's anything to wake up from. What I mean is that there's no definitive morning. I fall asleep. I wake up. I fall asleep. I wake up. I don't know what my first "morning thoughts" really are.

This morning, I don't get out of bed easily. Juno, the blizzard of 2015, has blanketed the city. It's not so much of a blanket as it is a sheet.

I pick up my phone for some  bullshit validation on some supurfluous Facebook status I wrote. 23 likes. "Well, that's a significant amount", I think to myself but it doesn't fill the void.

The void.

I was supposed to be on a TV show today but that got pushed back and I was also supposed to see Louis CK tonight but the show was canceled. So, I go to work.

I think I just heard Seagulls. Is that even possible? From my window, I hear a man cough. Juno has quieted the city if nothing else...except for the seagulls and that dude.

#17

First thought: Why must I wake and immediately look at emails?

I started (although slowly) doing what's called the "Morning Pages" as mentioned in a prior blog, these pages come from the book The Artists Way (which I've had for years and have only skimmed through even until this very moment). Half measures avail us nothing. Some of you will know what I'm talking about. I really should read it thoroughly. Anyway, I realize that it's probably the best and most creative thing I can do for myself --write out what's going on in my head in the morning. Clear the cobwebs & unscramble the mind to give myself some clarity.

Some topics from the pages include : "I can't see" and "Why am I looking at my phone?", "Emails & texts", "It doesn't matter", "Kevin Spacey" (I watched House of Cards before going to bed), "Mario  Cuomo" (his recent passing), "I have to get up", "I don't think I can do this ", "How will I spend my first day off in days?" and "It's cold under my feet". These are just flashes of thought that race through my mind. It's 10:20am and by 10:42 am, I'm exhausted with just how quickly I've run this race.

I don't know how this writing will unfold as I continue . It is a new exercise for me and I'm already out of breath.

I put up a pot of coffee and I play some music. That's actually a bit of a meditation. I try to figure out how I'm going to plot my day to propel my career and manifest my dreams. I don't really say this kind of shit and I'm perplexed as to why I've just written it.

It's raining and I can hear the Super handling the trash in the alley below. When I think of an alley, I think of some clandestine spot down by the Bowery in the 1940's. I'm on the upper east side; to me it's just a space in between two buildings. Alley. Meet me in the alley. I got a package for you.

I'm listening to Nina Simone. "It's a new dawn, it's a new day and I'm feeling good."

I don't know if I'm feeling good necessarily but this song motivates me to get up and get more coffee.

There's a lyric-something about "blossom on the trees" and I stare at my decaying Christmas tree (on January 12th) wondering how or who is going to help me take it down. It's a bummer not having someone. But it's sometimes a bummer having someone.  All of the sudden I hear construction outside. It's raining and I think what a bummer that must be for the men working in the rain. "Bummer" has just become my go to word.

I am clearly not awake yet and more coffee will be consumed. It just got quiet again. Now, all I hear is the rain. It's comforting. I don't have control over it. It's peaceful to know when you really don't have control over anything and letting go of manipulating things in my mind relaxes me again. I'll take yoga. I'll visit with friends. I'll try to do some good. I'll clean. I'll organize. I'll listen to more music. I'll catch up on some news… relentless news.

I think it's time to get moving.

#16 Christmas Eve Morning

SOBER SEASON

This time of year can be particularly hard for people depending on one's life circumstances. We watch various scenarios play out in the news, experience pressures at work and with family.  Relationships of any kind can feel taxed & overwhelming. The mask of trying to be happy for the holiday's can take a toll. It's almost as if there is a magnifying glass on your life exaggerating the good, the bad and the ugly. I'd say it's tantamount to looking at the holiday season as if you were standing in front of a funhouse mirror.  There are people, places & things, coming at you in all shapes and sizes and from all directions. Clowns. There are some clowns too...and they mock you.

Every year I have the belief that somehow the current holiday season will be better than its predecessor.

Do I have expectations?

Maybe--or maybe I just have the exuberance of spirit that remains from my childhood. That said, I'm an adult now so I just try to keep things in the present moment and not let perceived pressures or the ghosts of holidays past get to me.

From a practical standpoint, all looks fine and actually IS fine...because I am sober.

On January 2, 2015, I will celebrate 19 years of sobriety. Considering the career I'm in, and the fact that I'm surrounded by a plethora of personalities and alcohol on a regular basis, this is no small accomplishment.

 

New Year's Eve of 1995, I had already been sober for two years, when I left a failed marriage and moved back to nyc to pursue an acting career. I supplemented that career by working in a restaurant while also working as a hostess, waitress and bartender at a noted comedy club in NYC.

On that fateful night in '95 (and even with two years of sobriety under my belt), I experienced what I believed was a personal "rejection".

Heartbroken and not having the emotional wherewithal to handle situation, I instead, poured myself the most heinous drink one could imagine--an amaretto sour. The truth of the matter was that I thought it would be less harmful than a "real" drink but as the night wore on, the amaretto sour turned into straight bourbon and so on and so on and so forth and blah blah blah and mess.

The following morning, when I stared into an actual mirror (not one of the funhouse variety) I didn't recognize myself. I felt hollow.

Send in the clowns.

So, on January 2, 1996, I once again raised my hand and committed to my recovery.  In the years that followed, I was able to get back on track. Slowly, the dreams of my youth unfolded and a path became clear that led me to the career I have now. Tragedy + timing = comedy.

I've had a lot of help along the way and I certainly didn't do it alone. Call it faith or whatever you want but I also had a belief in something bigger than myself that would carry me through. Trees. Yes, I'm a tree hugger.

I've had a number of different roles in the comedy business-- Executive Assistant, General Manager (of various clubs), Talent Booker, Entertainment Director, Producer, Comic and Actress. I've also worked in television production and there was a brief stint as a paralegal at a law firm (when the industry wasn't so kind but my civilian friends were).

Through the years, I have restored and repaired damaged relationships, helped numerous others, been a source of comfort to my father, a devoted sister and a pretty decent person all around.

So now it's Christmas Eve morning of 2014. The nature of life is such that my family is scattered all around and we're all so busy. Social media & phone calls close the gap though and are a way we can keep tabs on each other.

Tonight, I'll be working in the role that allows me to put smiles on peoples’ faces (no, I will not be doing comedy or stripping). I'll be managing the funny & hopefully keep things running smoothly.  I’ll be surrounded by people I genuinely love to be around. I'm also content with the knowledge that my father is resting comfortably at home in Florida awaiting the gift that I sent him (that he will most likely want to return later to get it’s monetary value).

It's not the Christmas Eve of my dreams because in my dreams I'm whisked away to some romantic location with my partner! There’s a sleigh involved! That sort of thing! It is a whirlwind romantic great time!

In another less selfish version of my dream I am with my partner, Leonardo DiCaprio (hey, it's my dream!), and we have a festive dinner with family and friends but we also donate charitable goods, help others and save the environment.

Clearly, neither of these scenarios are unfolding this year but the year isn't quite up yet, is it?

Well, a gal can dream... and hope…but all bets are off if I have another amaretto sour.

So, from this Jew to you—Have a very Merry Christmas and wonderful New Year!

#15

The Artist's Way has been collecting dust (I know you're already bored but read on) under the night table next to my bed for years. Those "Morning Pages" that everyone suggests you write were derived from that book. Repeatedly, people have suggested I do "Morning Pages". Truth is, I rarely want to read  or do something everyone has told me I should read or do, despite however good it might be.  I also like to do things my way...by making mistakes. That said, the name of this blog is "Mornings" and mine were busy over the last few months.

From a practical sense, there's no time to hand write or type. In a prior blog, I mentioned this. For stream of consciousness, I "talk to text". Such is the case now.  In the months since I last spoke into this device (my cellphone), there were situations in my life that were emotionally weighty.  Notably, with my former roommate and my father's health issues.

I went through a considerable amount money trying to keep my head above water during this time and it was my work that kept me from losing everything and going crazy...even though that work is in a comedy club. I find my balance in this kind of insanity.  I love my job so when times get particularly tough, there's usually some comic around to tell me how much I suck as a human being and that usually puts a smile on my face. Get it? I like the opposite of stuff!

Over the summer, I didn't want to add more conflict to an already uncomfortable situation at home, so I spent a good deal of time away from my apartment.  Here and there, I sprinkled in a few days at the Jersey Shore & Fire Island and there was also a trip to see my father.

In no particular order, Palestinians & Jews, Isis, Ebola, Ferguson, Bill Cosby and Kim Kardashian's ass loomed in the news... but mostly it was Kim Kardashian's ass.

Consequently, The Red Light Podcast disbanded. Yes! It was because of all THESE things we disbanded or maybe it was that some of the girls got boyfriends but, in all honesty, we discussed that we really needed to revamp and retool the thing if we were ever to resume it.  So, I'm not not sure what will come of it but if you haven't yet heard us, our episodes are available at: newyorkcomedyworld.com or www.theredlight.podomatic.com

 

With that, I wish you all a pleasant start to the month of December and the holiday season! I'm going to redecorate my soul (kidding) and my apartment (not kidding).

As for you all, be nice...it's less boring than you think.

#14 THANK YOU

Clearly, there are some mornings we wake up and we are just in a foul mood but that has not been the case for me the past two weeks or three weeks since I last wrote. 

Moreover, I have been humbled by the fact that there are just things that are outside of my control. Rather than fight those things, I've tried to accept them and work constructively to appease whatever the situations are that are most distressing in my life on any given day.

Dealing with family matters, financial matters, relationship matters, business matters can all seem so overwhelming and not everyone likes the answers you'll give them (especially if they're not the ones they want to hear).

In the end, you answer to one authority-your own, God or whatever your concept of a higher power may be.

That said, this is the first time in weeks I've had a moment alone to collect my thoughts (as much as I can) and I'm overlooking the East River on a very warm yet breezy day.

For the moment I seem to have satisfied everyone's requests of me.  Contrary to what it may seem (to some), I few demands (of others). Just being fair and decent human being is typically my only request (expectation).  That, in itself, can often be met with difficulty.

(Oh, and once in a while I just need some quiet. Shush it.)

Recently, I came back from visiting my father. He is 88 years old and he is doing as well as can be for a man his age but his needs are many and they consume my thoughts a good deal of the time. Underlying most things I do, are thoughts of my father-- alone--and how I can comfort him from a distance.

I speak to him twice sometimes three times a day and go down to see him as often as I can. It's all I can do for now.

My outlet is comedy. Comedy in all it's forms helps me handle most anything. I am blessed to be working in a profession that brings me great joy.

Many of us try to achieve success and go at it with a shark like appetite and that is fine (and to some degree I respect that) but often times we fail to realize that those in a position to help us have lives as well--families and responsibilities and more than a handful of people that they have to answer to on any given day (not to mention the general public).

Perhaps if we thought about this a little bit more, we would be less inclined to bug the crap out of people for the things we think we need. 

So, for today I am grateful. I have a roof (that I work extremely hard to maintain) and a job and friends and love from the people I know that love me (and who I love in return). 

If you have any one of these you're luckier than you may realize. 

Maybe say thank you.