#20 Good morning Dad.

I slept well...probably the best night's sleep I've had in weeks. For months there was a feeling of impending doom; that something was going to happen. I couldn't imagine what that something was or what it would look like or how it would manifest. I had the feeling that I wasn't making clear decisions (in fact, I knew it) and that things were going to unravel in ways that were out of my control. I also knew that I was trying to manipulate things in my mind and it was keeping me up nights. I was spending too much time on what other people were doing as opposed to what I needed to do. 

The beginning of February, I put to bed one of the things that was troubling me. I thought about it for some time but I knew that this particular situation (I had put myself in) made me feel drunk. For a sober person, this can be dangerous. After 19 yrs clean, I didn't like who I was becoming during this time. I also didn't like what I was observing about the situation. My self-confidence diminished and my faith was nearly non-existent.  I was a wretched person to be around or, at least, I felt wretched. I admit, I'm harder on myself than most and to the average, untrained eye I behaved like my usual self....irritable with a smattering of over-elation.

Still, having ended that situation (albeit, half-heartedly), I knew it was the right thing to do. Sometimes, we hold on to things because of our "pain bodies". Read Eckhart Tolle to get that reference. I only mention it  because I like saying "pain body". No one sees your "pain body" but sometimes your "pain body" and my "pain body" can get together and have a grand ole time! Be that as it may, I had a lot of support from friends while I was transitioning out of my shitty "pain body".

In the ensuing weeks, I got back to business but I didn't feel like the proverbial shoe had really dropped. Something nagged at me. I couldn't shake it.  

Two weeks ago, my father had a heart attack. He flat-lined on the way to the hospital. The paramedics saved him. There it was. There was the full manifestation of what I felt was coming. Somehow, I sensed it. A myriad of thoughts raced through my mind. Is he going to make it? What will I have to do? Do I have enough money to do it? Will I be able to get time off work? Who will cover for me? How long will I be away? What will I be called upon to do to help my father? Am I prepared for this? How do I handle this? Why isn't there someone in my life to help me handle this? Why do I feel like such a child? 

I felt helpless, alone and scared and I'm sure my father felt the same way. I mentioned my father's condition on Facebook just to release it...so I wasn't so alone in it...but my true fear didn't register there. FB isn't where I show my vulnerability...not really. It's mostly for sarcasm and selfies...which is another story entirely.

I slowed down. Some other side of me kicked in or maybe it is that side of me that I know exists and that I intuitively trust. The side that knows that she knows how to handle whatever comes her way. The side that knows that she has a lot of support and love. The side that has more courage than she gives herself credit for. 

I was able to drop everything and show up when it mattered most. I had help. I had support and I had love. I was present for my father in every sense of the word. I advocated for him. I made calls for him, I cared for him. I cooked for him and most of all I provided him with the love that only a daughter can provide for her father (I sense that some comedians will have a field day with that last statement). 

My father is on the road to recovery and I continue on my road too...and I'm trudging it less and less today. I'm not going to say it was easy. It wasn't. Did I curse God or whatever and whoever? Yes, I did...but I got through it. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

Thank you to those of you who were there for my father and I. You know who you are.