#18 Mini Morning

Lately, I don't know if there's anything to wake up from. What I mean is that there's no definitive morning. I fall asleep. I wake up. I fall asleep. I wake up. I don't know what my first "morning thoughts" really are.

This morning, I don't get out of bed easily. Juno, the blizzard of 2015, has blanketed the city. It's not so much of a blanket as it is a sheet.

I pick up my phone for some  bullshit validation on some supurfluous Facebook status I wrote. 23 likes. "Well, that's a significant amount", I think to myself but it doesn't fill the void.

The void.

I was supposed to be on a TV show today but that got pushed back and I was also supposed to see Louis CK tonight but the show was canceled. So, I go to work.

I think I just heard Seagulls. Is that even possible? From my window, I hear a man cough. Juno has quieted the city if nothing else...except for the seagulls and that dude.

#17

First thought: Why must I wake and immediately look at emails?

I started (although slowly) doing what's called the "Morning Pages" as mentioned in a prior blog, these pages come from the book The Artists Way (which I've had for years and have only skimmed through even until this very moment). Half measures avail us nothing. Some of you will know what I'm talking about. I really should read it thoroughly. Anyway, I realize that it's probably the best and most creative thing I can do for myself --write out what's going on in my head in the morning. Clear the cobwebs & unscramble the mind to give myself some clarity.

Some topics from the pages include : "I can't see" and "Why am I looking at my phone?", "Emails & texts", "It doesn't matter", "Kevin Spacey" (I watched House of Cards before going to bed), "Mario  Cuomo" (his recent passing), "I have to get up", "I don't think I can do this ", "How will I spend my first day off in days?" and "It's cold under my feet". These are just flashes of thought that race through my mind. It's 10:20am and by 10:42 am, I'm exhausted with just how quickly I've run this race.

I don't know how this writing will unfold as I continue . It is a new exercise for me and I'm already out of breath.

I put up a pot of coffee and I play some music. That's actually a bit of a meditation. I try to figure out how I'm going to plot my day to propel my career and manifest my dreams. I don't really say this kind of shit and I'm perplexed as to why I've just written it.

It's raining and I can hear the Super handling the trash in the alley below. When I think of an alley, I think of some clandestine spot down by the Bowery in the 1940's. I'm on the upper east side; to me it's just a space in between two buildings. Alley. Meet me in the alley. I got a package for you.

I'm listening to Nina Simone. "It's a new dawn, it's a new day and I'm feeling good."

I don't know if I'm feeling good necessarily but this song motivates me to get up and get more coffee.

There's a lyric-something about "blossom on the trees" and I stare at my decaying Christmas tree (on January 12th) wondering how or who is going to help me take it down. It's a bummer not having someone. But it's sometimes a bummer having someone.  All of the sudden I hear construction outside. It's raining and I think what a bummer that must be for the men working in the rain. "Bummer" has just become my go to word.

I am clearly not awake yet and more coffee will be consumed. It just got quiet again. Now, all I hear is the rain. It's comforting. I don't have control over it. It's peaceful to know when you really don't have control over anything and letting go of manipulating things in my mind relaxes me again. I'll take yoga. I'll visit with friends. I'll try to do some good. I'll clean. I'll organize. I'll listen to more music. I'll catch up on some news… relentless news.

I think it's time to get moving.