#14 THANK YOU

Clearly, there are some mornings we wake up and we are just in a foul mood but that has not been the case for me the past two weeks or three weeks since I last wrote. 

Moreover, I have been humbled by the fact that there are just things that are outside of my control. Rather than fight those things, I've tried to accept them and work constructively to appease whatever the situations are that are most distressing in my life on any given day.

Dealing with family matters, financial matters, relationship matters, business matters can all seem so overwhelming and not everyone likes the answers you'll give them (especially if they're not the ones they want to hear).

In the end, you answer to one authority-your own, God or whatever your concept of a higher power may be.

That said, this is the first time in weeks I've had a moment alone to collect my thoughts (as much as I can) and I'm overlooking the East River on a very warm yet breezy day.

For the moment I seem to have satisfied everyone's requests of me.  Contrary to what it may seem (to some), I few demands (of others). Just being fair and decent human being is typically my only request (expectation).  That, in itself, can often be met with difficulty.

(Oh, and once in a while I just need some quiet. Shush it.)

Recently, I came back from visiting my father. He is 88 years old and he is doing as well as can be for a man his age but his needs are many and they consume my thoughts a good deal of the time. Underlying most things I do, are thoughts of my father-- alone--and how I can comfort him from a distance.

I speak to him twice sometimes three times a day and go down to see him as often as I can. It's all I can do for now.

My outlet is comedy. Comedy in all it's forms helps me handle most anything. I am blessed to be working in a profession that brings me great joy.

Many of us try to achieve success and go at it with a shark like appetite and that is fine (and to some degree I respect that) but often times we fail to realize that those in a position to help us have lives as well--families and responsibilities and more than a handful of people that they have to answer to on any given day (not to mention the general public).

Perhaps if we thought about this a little bit more, we would be less inclined to bug the crap out of people for the things we think we need. 

So, for today I am grateful. I have a roof (that I work extremely hard to maintain) and a job and friends and love from the people I know that love me (and who I love in return). 

If you have any one of these you're luckier than you may realize. 

Maybe say thank you.

#13 This morning I remember.

When the weather gets warm, I wake and walk to work through Central Park. Whenever I pass the Heckscher softball field, I always think of Jimmy; a stocky, gruff, cigar smoking character that used to pitch for the team that my ex-husband played for. My ex used to say "don't bug Jimmy too much, he can get us tickets to Broadway shows and great seats to ballgames".  I guess I was prone to bugging people back then but I certainly wasn't aware of it.

Sitting on the bench, I would just grab my beer and cheer on the guys as they played. Familiar calls of "wait for it" and "take your pitch" would fill the air.  The days seemed slower then. Maybe it was the pot. I'm smiling.

Jimmy kind of scared me a little bit. Lord knows, based on what my ex said, I didn't want to get on Jimmy's bad side. I mean, who doesn't like going to Broadway shows or great games and having good seats? I feared all of their wraths! Jimmy was clearly the leader of the group though as he ordered the guys to do this or that or grab this or that and everybody just followed his direction.

It wasn't until my marriage ended and I moved back to New York from Florida that Jimmy became my friend. I think the year was '96 and I was working for a high-profile comedy club. Jimmy would come by and look in on me and take me to dinner every now and then.  I remember we went to see the Lion King. Through the years, we would see each other and the visits were always memorable with great food and great conversation. Sometimes we would go on long drives throughout the city and Jimmy would point out historical facts. Whenever I was heartbroken (which was often enough) or financially unstable, he would always palm me a little money and he was always there. For one of my birthdays, he surprised me taking a group of my friends and I to see Rock of Ages on Broadway and then we all went to dinner. Jimmy did things big. He was big!

The day before Father's Day last year, Jimmy sent me a text and asked me where I was and I said I was with my father in Florida.  He knew that meant I couldn’t talk as my father is getting older and commands all of my attention. The following day I received a call from Jimmy's friend (who's number I had stored in my phone from having spent time with him, his wife and Jimmy) who wanted to let me know that Jimmy had passed away that very night. I never got the chance to really say goodbye to him but these are the things about Jimmy that I came to know and love and that will be missed and remembered--

Although Jimmy was an intimidating presence, he was a poet, a musician and an artist. He was a dreamer who never fully realized his dreams. He was also a man that was committed to people and causes in the extreme; to the point where he would give you the shirt off his back (cliché, I know) if he could.  He was as hard as he was sensitive.

Our relationship was one of pure friendship. I knew that I reminded him of a very innocent time and place in his life--when it was all about softball, sunshine, friends and (for some) beer.

(As an aside, I have not had a drink over 18 years and Jimmy had stopped as well)

I've known people that have loved Bob Dylan but not to the extent that Jimmy did and I've known people who could quote from innumerable poets & authors. When Jimmy quoted Bob Dylan or anyone, it was the most apropos quote for the situation.

Jimmy carried the weight of the world, your world and his world on his back and it was precisely that heaviness that was probably his undoing. His heart was laden.

As Father's Day approaches and I think of my own father who has not been well and who I will soon be visiting, I also think of Jimmy and the times we spent together. I think of my ex-husband and I think of innocence and hope.

"The only thing that is constant is change" is a quote from Heraclitus
 and that is certainly true. Heraclitus also said, “Time is a game played beautifully by children.”

So it is.

Love and remember.